hey

Long time, guess what? I'm the same as ever, phobic and shit, just a tad more drugged up now, yep I've started taking Rivotril (klonopin) again but a higher dose which I gwt to decide mostly, I think 1 mg is doing wonders compared to 0.5-0.75.....Really want to try upping it even to 1.50 or 2 mg.

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a rut right now, my life being a routine of breathing, sleeping working and such, you know the dull routine cliche.

I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis at 24 years old, I want to go out and do stuff, "well why don't you then" is a phrase I ought to be getting and the answer is a combination of having no social network, phobia, and such.

I'd lke to meet a girl, just for whatever, not even anything longterm, even 1 night stands (at least I'm ready to talk about sex, some shyness gone there) But I'm afraid to..lets say that I wouldn't know the horses tail from it's head...

goddamn this is a rant....

me and chicks

maaaaan I´m drunk and I went out and couldn´t even bring home a girl.... not that I ever really have...

I was drunk, confident, looked but didn´t try at all... I haye social phobia and all it´s side effects such as this....

I'll always end up like this alone...


damn.

dreams

I have some dreams of what kind of a person I'd like to be and the ways to achieve that goal. But best laid plans...you know.

I'd really like to serve in the armed forces but guess what I was born in a country which has none, so any attempt to join any army is somewhat hard because of the "terrorists" and the understandable foreign phobia...I guess that there's always the French Foreign Legion and yes I have considered that...but minimun 5 years of service sounds a bit steep...but I'm going to have 2 years to plan any kinf of army adventure because I got to finish college first.

Second, I have the distinct suspicion that the universe has no intent of me becoming a father in the nearby future. I'm surprising even myself for thinking about this subject which I think is a new low in my minds attempts to depress myself. Plus my former classmates and the few friends I have, have been kids as of late, a lot of them actually, I feel like I'm being left behind...that I'm slow...

You see, my latest theory is that my mind is my enemy, my enemy is trying to belittle me and depress. It conjures up these visions of my future which are depressing and frightening...why? I have no fking clue....

To be honest I'm not so sure that it is the wrong image....

I'm 24, I have never been in a relationship *ever*, I have had a non existant sex life for 4 years, my social network is limited, I'm fending off depression, social phobia and I'm losing that battle...

Man...it is that bad...I hate my mind...

to try or not to try....

ok so I'm from a small town, and "where everybody knows your name" is almost a fact here, not quite but really close, and when something happens that I'm afraid of being teased about or can't really talk abou on my normal blog I write here, and seeing as there are 5 months between posts, not much happens to me...

But now I'm ready to write it here on my "secret blog" which nobody knows about apparently.

Anyway I went with some friends to a club for my first night out drinking for...well a LONG time. At that club we had some beers, some shots, more beer and more shots, I didn't get drunk at all which seemed amazing considering my friends drank the same and they were wasted (btw WHY! WHY do they insist on putting lighted candles on a table with drunk and thus judgementally impaired people?!?!?!, lets just say the place didn't catch on fire despite some effort on my friends behalfs) but drinking and pyromania isn't what I remember from that night.

What I'm really been hung up on is that girl in the blue outfit... a hottie by anyone's standard and if I'm not mistaken I should have gotten up since out of the 6 of us I was one of TWO single, and least drunk..
I kept watchin here trying to figure out what I should do, and she did glance at me a few times, smiled and talked to her girlfriends.

But here's the problem, I have no clue what it was that I should have done... I wanted to go over there and simply dazzle her :) but I'm a realist and plus, I've known enough women to at least know that they aren't gonna fall for a guy like me at once...I think. okay women are just complicated.

okay so here is where the good 'ole phobia kicked in and I simply couldn't do what I wanted or at least try to strike up a conversation with her. I may have only had like a 10-15% shot at her but I wouldn't minded trying despite those odds.

I'm tired of being alone, single and not by choice at all...I can't be said to be sexually active in a way because last time, was a long time ago...wow it was a century ago...awhh damn....now I feel like a loser, which I seem to be.

ah well, if this keeps up I'll be posting a lot more often here it seems.

Long time

Long time since my last post here, well I generally just post here when I'm frustrated and etc. so that's a good thing?

Well I hate my life, I'm unfulfilled by it to say the least... I can mostly blaim it on my social phobia though, "isn't that convenient?" some would say, but to me it's even more annoying because it is something I'm trying to get rid of...

My so called life isn't living, I just exist, simply put I breath air, eat and drink, sleep and generate income to do those things.

No social life, 0 friends, only existance....

Is that what you would call life? Most people look forward to the end of the week, weekend is a time to enjoy yourself with friends and family and such...

I have my family, but friends?

I hate pubs, clubs and stuff like that, trying to find someone to share your bed for the night isn't a priority for me when I'm surrounded by people whom I feel like they are all staring at me like I'm a freak...

Then there are those so called treatments for Social Phobia and Socia Anxiety...what to do when the "cure" is worse than the disease???

Really the most used theraphy is Cognitive behaviour theraphy which basically works by putting you in the very situation that you panic in, over and over and over again in the vain hope that you get used to it...

Well I can do that myself instead of paying bunch of money for it....

bleh end of rant

blowing steam

I was going to let out some steam and tell everybody how damn miserable my life has become or is becoming, not quite sure, but I'm already spent...guess I have to write while I'm still in the mood.

But I'm still alive and I'm still phobic and afraid of ppl, actually I'm afraid that its getting worse after a short remission, this thing is going to kill me that I am sure of, also I had a fever that is the 3rd one in a short timespan, which to me has been suggested might actually indicate that something is wrong with me not only mentally but pyshically as well which to I replied "woopeedy doo" so I'm trying to get together the courage of making a doctors appointment and attending it as well...

I'm not usually a pessimist but today something tells me that it's the correct mood...

3 high fevers, weak stomach lately, eyes been bothering me, If I wasn't so lasy I'd try and find my old school books and try to remember what can cause all those symptoms in rapid succession of each other...

some sort of infection I guess but these symptoms are always seperate except for the crippling agonizing pain I feel in my joints...

ahh hell enough with self diagnosis, although last time I beat my doctor to it and he was royally pissed of, was a small victory, except he wasn't supposed to be so pissed off at me, talk about unprofessional behaviour...

I may seem like a perfect jerk by reading this post but it's just because nobody knows my name and I feel like being a jerk this one time thank you very much :)

Crossroads

I'm in bit of a bundle right now... on one hand I have my job, then school, then my attempts at living some sort of a life...

I was trying to get to sleep last night but I couldn't, because I was feeling sick and everytime I moved I nearly vomited.... :-
But anyway I started to think

My attempts at trying to live a "normal" life have so far just ended in failure and in me going back into my shell, maybe not completely but I definately get phobic as hell and try to limit my already limited interaction to the outside world, my home becomes my country, and trips out become like travelling abroad...

bad analogy there but you get it... I hope... ;D

So I thought what has been common with all these attempts?

Well obviously I'm afraid...social anxiety and phobia....
But also I try to live my life on "their" terms, "they" being the more "normal" ;)people...I try to emulate others to a point...but since I have no idea what I am doing or supposed to be doing I'm bound to fail...

Let me say it like this:

I go to a bar because other people have fun there.

I don't know what I have fun doing, in the company of others that is, I'm still trying to find out.

But at School....

Also I'm a good student but my grades slip because attendance isn't my strongest point. Yet I keep getting above average grades so I'm quite capable of studying.....

So I'm in a dilemma at school, I feel it to be humiliating and embarrasing to ask for special treatment because of my conditition and fear of being said that then I might not belong there....but if I want to finish my studies I'll need it....at least now.

I'm not sure what this rant is about but at least that's a part of what crossed my mind last night....

So there ya go....