Crossroads

I'm in bit of a bundle right now... on one hand I have my job, then school, then my attempts at living some sort of a life...

I was trying to get to sleep last night but I couldn't, because I was feeling sick and everytime I moved I nearly vomited.... :-
But anyway I started to think

My attempts at trying to live a "normal" life have so far just ended in failure and in me going back into my shell, maybe not completely but I definately get phobic as hell and try to limit my already limited interaction to the outside world, my home becomes my country, and trips out become like travelling abroad...

bad analogy there but you get it... I hope... ;D

So I thought what has been common with all these attempts?

Well obviously I'm afraid...social anxiety and phobia....
But also I try to live my life on "their" terms, "they" being the more "normal" ;)people...I try to emulate others to a point...but since I have no idea what I am doing or supposed to be doing I'm bound to fail...

Let me say it like this:

I go to a bar because other people have fun there.

I don't know what I have fun doing, in the company of others that is, I'm still trying to find out.

But at School....

Also I'm a good student but my grades slip because attendance isn't my strongest point. Yet I keep getting above average grades so I'm quite capable of studying.....

So I'm in a dilemma at school, I feel it to be humiliating and embarrasing to ask for special treatment because of my conditition and fear of being said that then I might not belong there....but if I want to finish my studies I'll need it....at least now.

I'm not sure what this rant is about but at least that's a part of what crossed my mind last night....

So there ya go....